ANYWAY...it appears Nintendo's Gamecube is going to kick the Xbox's ass. I don't know where exactly on the Xbox the ass is located (Note: this is the point at which ya'll Gates-haters may shout: "It's ALL ass!"), but it had better tie on a fluffy pillow. I've never been big on console games (grab the gold coin! cha-ching! cha-ching!), but Nintendo had some clever games like Pikmin and Luigi's Castle. The Xbox side had...er, lots of pretty green lights.

There were, as usual, more good-looking trailers than a Yuba City mobile home park. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault and Return To Castle Wolfenstein in particular.

More random commentary:

• The official Imagine publishing schwag bags were real funny shaped this year. I mean, if triangular is funny. They must have gotten a discount from the manufacturer by leaving off one side. Next year, they'll save even more money by handing out large rectangular sheets of paper, from which you can make your own damn bag.

• Got to meet legendary car customizer George Barris at the THQ booth. Okay, this was a big thing for me, because I'm a geek.

• Irrational Games' Freedom Force looks interesting.

• So does Relic's Sigma.

• Microsoft's Train Simulator looks pretty cool too (see geek reference above).

• The Mummy Returns looks like a crappy game, but the low-poly version of Brendan Fraser can come render at my place any day (psst -- I have a nice GeForce card).

• Snoopy Unleashed for the Playstation. What next, Marmaduke Avenged? Family Circus: Apocalypse?

• I didn't quite grok the faux gladiatorial bouts at the Mad Catz booth. It just reminded me of the Latin Club Games in high school...we used to wear sheets, decline verbs, and pull one another around in chariot races (the big joke at the time was to to sidle up to someone else's chariot and say "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?" HA! HA! We were LOSERS!) And is it just me, or is Caesar here being played by TV interior decorator Christopher Lowell?

• I don't know what the Scottish Games Alliance does...I just get a kick out of the whole idea. Can I be an honorary member? I think there's a kilt up my family tree somewhere. C'mon, I want to start working on a Tetris knock-off called Haggis.

• Giant Pokemon in their natural habitat. Look at their pathetic, tiny arms...like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but more cute, more yellow, and slightly less predatory.

• What was with the blonde chicks at the Return to Castle Wolfenstein booth? There's something just, I dunno, distasteful about mixing babes and Nazis...don't know what it is. Maybe I just watch the History Channel too much.

• Herdy Gerdy...a Playstation game featuring some homely little redneck kid running around barefoot. Will this be a trend? I eagerly await Deliverance for the GameBoy Advance.

• Looming above our heads like a much less flammable Hindenberg: Sony's giant blue water droplet. I'm going to have nightmares about that thing for weeks...nightmares from which I suddenly have to get up and go to the bathroom.

• Sierra's Jonny Drama? "Let's copy Austin Powers, but make it 60's Beatnik Does James Bond instead of 60's Swingin' Hep Cat Does James Bond." Beatniks? Beatniks drank a lot, wrote bad poetry, and smelled -- well let's just say less than fresh. Occasionally they'd have drunken shooting contests and accidentally kill their wives. This is not cool. And since when did beatnik chicks wear skintight catsuits with necklines down to their Kerouac? Since never, that's when.

That's about all that stands out...or that I haven't deep-sixed in my cerebral cortex due to the psychological trauma. See you next year.

-- Sparky [ back to the News page ]